Q Husband: How do you handle it when a spouse immerses themselves in the child’s care and puts the relationship on the “back-burner”?
Q Wife: How can my husband and I stay connected and regain intimacy? With the pressure of family, life, work, finances (economic times), other children and a special needs child I feel exhausted all the time.
A
Unfortunately, there is always going to be one parent who is more
organized and hands on than the other. In my opinion, we always think
that as a couple, we have to do everything the same way. We tend to
forget that it was our unique qualities as much as our similarities
which brought us together during our courtship phase. We need to focus
on what we can do, not what we can't do. I am certain that while one is
"hands on" the other has the gift of laying back more which is needed
in order to sustain balance.
A relationship should never be put on the "back burner" no matter what
happens in the family dynamic. Without the "couple foundation" being
strong, there will be no cohesion in the family. This statement is
going to make people feel uncomfortable, but, the couple always has to
come before anyone and anything else. Without that occuring, there will
be resentments, feelings of being put on the back burner, etc. It may
sound hokey, but, you have to create the "time" to be intimate,
especially with a special needs child. Most couples say that they don't
want to force the intimacy....my challenge is; "if you don't make a
plan, you plan to fail". It may feel forced in the beginning, but
eventually making a "date time" will become more like second nature.
Let's face it....even with typical children, being married for a long
period of time is a challenge. It's human nature to become used to
something being around and taking it for granted. We need to be
conscious in our marriage, not unconscious.
Thanks!
Robin Newman LCSW, PC
Robin Newman LCSW,PC, clinical social worker and adjunct professor at Adelphi's Graduate School of Social Work. She also has a private practice. She is married with 2 special need children. Have a question about your relationship? Ask Robin. Send your questions to advice@parentingspecialneeds.org
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