When
some parents see their child’s school, they are often
taken back to
their best
childhood memories. Many are reminded of the happiest time
in
their lives, when they enjoyed recess twice a day, led the school choir
and
eventually went on to triumph over the other boys and girls , by
becoming prom
king or queen.
That
isn’t the case for me. When I walked into my stepson’s school,
diverting my
eyes was the most I could manage when the principal told me Kaden spent
the day in the office again. When the phone rang at 1:30, we knew who
it was; Why even log onto our family email
account? All we would
discover was the latest awful thing Kaden
had done.
As
far as I was concerned, no news was good news. Yet, any mother (or
stepmother)
wants to believe her son is faultless, so when people said my stepson
was a
problem, it was so hard to believe. Kaden,
at only
seven years old, is one of the smallest boys in his first grade class.
At home,
he is quiet, well-mannered and usually
smiling. More
than once, while out on the town, complete strangers have stopped me to
note
what a delightfully well-behaved son I have.
You
wouldn’t think it to look at him, but, Kaden
has obviously overheard the “small but mighty” stereotype more than
once since
his birth. By half-way through first grade,
Kaden has already been sent to the office
for physical aggression
more than 20 times, breaking the school record for the only first
grader actually
suspended from school twice in two weeks. Is this seven
year old
boy really the future school bully or is there simply something we are
all missing?
“I’m
really not suggesting Kaden needs to be on
medication,”
my mother said the other day, looking very somber as we sat at my
dining room
table eating lunch. “I’m just saying, something is clearly wrong.” “Here”,
she paused briefly to shuffle through the numerous office referrals I
had
displayed on the table for her.
“No
seven-year-old should be this unhappy at school, or act this bizarre.
For Pete’s
sake, what seven-year-old gets kicked out of school?” she said. “He
doesn’t
throw fits when he’s here -- and my goodness, does this one say he BIT
the
teacher?”
At this
point, she stopped talking and handed me a magazine article. It was
about
elementary school children with behavioral issues. She asked me to read
it,
telling me she thought it might be helpful.
It was.
I had no idea seven-year-olds with behavioral problems may be suffering
from
depression or anxiety. Even more interesting was that schools can actually do many things in order to support a
child with
behavioral problems. Hallelujah, my stepson and his foul conduct were
not alone
in the world!
So, on the
advice of my mother, the magazine article, and some college friends, I decided
to take
control of the situation.
Tip
number one: Don’t
be afraid to be assertive with your child’s school. ,
I was shocked. My
initial reaction was to confront the school about this situation, but
what
would yelling at the principal do, other than harm already tenuous
relationships?
Assertion is different than aggression and I needed to get a grip
quickly!
Tip
number two: Remember
all of your child’s school records are available for you to view. Any
office
referrals, detentions, suspensions and sometimes
even
timeouts are recorded and filed within the school. Any accommodations
your
child receives should also be recorded. As a parent, you have the right
to
receive copies of all this paperwork and it is important you keep files
for
your own records.
Tip
number three: Written
communication isn’t always
easiest but is often necessary. Along with this, sometimes email is
convenient,
but feelings are often misconstrued and things can be easily taken out
of
context. When I initially contacted Kaden’s
school
about an assessment and was told he wasn’t to that point yet, we had
been
communicating through email. When emails were not successful, I wrote a
letter
to the school and sent it through the mail. In the letter I requested a
FBA
(Functional Behavioral Assessment) as well as a comprehensive
evaluation for Kaden. The FBA is an
assessment our local educational
agency would do at the school’s request. I also asked to receive a
written
response from the school within ten business days.
That
did the trick. I heard from the school nine days later and within a
week the
ball was rolling on Kaden’s assessment.
Not long
after that, we had a meeting to go over the FBA and talk about possible
accommodations for Kaden. In a matter of
weeks, I
went from a seemingly desperate situation to believing there might
actually be
hope for my bullying boy! Now, two months later we have yet to receive
that
phone call or e-mail from the principal revealing the latest bad news.
With the
help of his teacher, principal, school counselor and our local
education
agency, Kaden will have a chance in
school that he
could have otherwise missed out on.
This
is a website parents and teachers can look at to find the educational
agencies
nearest to their homes:
http://wdcrobcolp01.ed.gov/Programs/EROD/index.cfm
Many
states have parent educator partnership programs that can answer
questions for
parents when they are having difficulty with their children in or out
of
school. Ask your local education agency if they have a program like
this
available dear you.