Q
I am a
divorced mother who has a child born with CP. My boyfriend and I
have been dating for a year and a half and have decided to move in
together. He
is going to be moving into my house. How should I prepare him for
living with a
special needs child? He is involved with my child now, but, it is not
on a day to day, 24/7 basis. Can you
suggest ways to make the
transition easier for all of us? How do we introduce any level of
authority
from my boyfriend to the situation? Thank you for your help!
A Well, I really feel that
before anyone takes on a
special needs child by moving in, they need to be real certain about
their
commitment to the situation. My suggestion is go to therapy for a
few sessions in order to have that third party present because this is
a huge
decision that should not be made lightly.
Both you and your
boyfriend need to sit down and write out
everything from “soup to nuts” regarding your child’s care.
Everything needs to be discussed and mapped out.
*How does the child's day
go typically?
*What is expected of the
child?
*How would she like her
boyfriend to be involved?
*To what extent is she
willing to allow him to parent her
child?
*What can he bring to the
table that she has not thought
about?
Both of you really need to express your anxieties and concerns to one
another in an
open, honest way. Things always look easy from the outside, until you
step into
it.
The most difficult aspect of this is the discipline piece. If the
biological
dad is involved, it may not be so easy for the boyfriend to suddenly be
the
disciplinarian.
I admire his desire, but, will he stick it out in the long run?
Will he overcompensate with the child because he feels sorry for
him/her? Write down some specific things, that you both feel strongly
about when
it comes to raising children, are you in agreement?
Depending on the extent of the disabilities...handicapped does not mean
"not capable". Can he live with that?
Can you both carve out time 1-2x a week where you can have down time to
be alone?
Good
Luck!
Robin Newman LCSW,PC,
clinical social worker and adjunct professor at Adelphi's Graduate
School of
Social Work. She also has a private practice. She is married with 2
special
need children. Have a question about your relationship? Ask Robin. Send
your
questions to advice@parentingspecialneeds.org
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