PSN Issue
When Parents Disagree
It would be impossible for two parents to agree 100% of the time on how
to handle misbehavior, so let’s just agree that you’re going to disagree sometimes.
You may have different parenting styles, different hot buttons and different
expectations than your spouse. That’s understandable. You were raised by
different parents and have absorbed certain values and discipline methods that
helped shape who you are.
Who hasn’t had this experience?
You’re right in the middle of disciplining your child. Emotions are running
hot. You give your child a consequence for the misbehavior and your spouse
steps in and disagrees with how you’re handling the situation. You feel
criticized, unsupported and upset. The whole thing goes downhill from there.
It would be impossible for two parents to agree 100% of the time on how to
handle misbehavior, so let’s just agree that you’re going to disagree
sometimes. You may have different parenting styles, different hot buttons and
different expectations than your spouse. That’s understandable. You were raised
by different parents and have absorbed certain values and discipline methods
that helped shape who you are.
Yet, every day you’re called upon to make decisions regarding your children. So
how can the two of you show a united front when it’s necessary, give each other
the support that you need and prevent your child from playing you against one
another?
This will take a little work, but it’ll be worth the effort. Your children will
be your children for many years to come, so taking the time to establish some
guidelines now will result in better parenting, less frustration and clearer
expectations for your child.
Here are eight tips to guide you.
Tip #1: Reach an agreement to support each other publicly (or at least
remain neutral).
You’ve heard about the importance of presenting a united front so your
child can’t divide and conquer and it’s true. It’s confusing to your child when
you argue about consequences in front of them. Children with a manipulative
nature will use the situation to their advantage. Usually what happens is that
you get embroiled in your own debate and the discipline action gets forgotten.
It also undermines your spouse’s parental authority in front of your child,
which is something you
don’t want to do.
Tip #2: Develop a signal.
Let’s say that you strongly disagree with the other parent’s choice of
discipline. Agree ahead of time on a signal that you can give that means, “Take
a break. Let’s talk about this.” Perhaps making a T sign with your hands to
signal a time out would be a good choice.
Tip #3: Talk privately about the child’s offense and how it should be
handled.
There are few discipline actions that can’t wait for a few minutes. Taking
the time to leave the room and talk privately with your spouse about how to
handle the situation is a respectful way of communicating to your spouse that
there may be other options to consider. Regardless, you are setting a
much-needed boundary that this is an adult matter and that the two of you will
handle it accordingly.
Tip #4: Check in with the other parent to see if they’ve already
made a decision.
Many
children will use the one-liner, “Dad said that I could” to get what they want.
When hearing this line from your child, a wise thing to do is to actually ask
the other parent if s/he has already given approval to your child’s request.
Again, this
demonstrates to your child that as parents you are united and will support each
other. Usually your child starts back peddling if s/he is trying to manipulate
you.
Tip #5: Develop 3-4 family rules that you can agree to follow
up with consistently using the
same discipline method.
One
of the best methods for two parents to be consistent is to develop a few family
rules for behaviors that are most important in your family. For instance, all
families should have a rule that “No one’s body will be hurt by hitting,
kicking, biting, etc.” A
Parents will never agree on how to handle all offenses, but if parents respond
consistently to the top three behaviors, it will make a significant impact.
Tip #6: Agree that smaller offenses can be handled at the discretion of
the parent in charge.
Once
you have your family rules in place, try not to sweat the small stuff. It can
be beneficial for children to learn different methods of problem-solving
and communication, so if your spouse parents a little differently, it may
actually benefit your child. For instance, some parents are better at using
humor to move through tough situations and if you’re open to it, you can learn
what works more
effectively with each child.
Tip #7: Never say, “Wait ‘til your father (or mother) gets home!”
When a statement like this is made it undermines the authority of the
parent who says it and makes the other parent the “bad cop.”
It’s important that you both share equally in disciplining your
children.
Tip #8: Use positive discipline methods that work.
Many parents use time outs, yell or take away privileges as their top three
discipline options. If those methods aren’t working for you it can be
frustrating and lead to more arguments if you’re not feeling successful. If you
feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work, you can learn 10
positive discipline
methods that work by checking our this resource:
By Toni Schutta, Parent
Coach, M.A., L.P. Visit www.getparentinghelpnow.com to
receive a free copy of “The 7 Worst Mistakes that Parents Make (And How to
Avoid Them!). Tune in to “Real Parents. Real Solutions” radio show here: www.tinyurl.com/realparentsrealsolutions.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is of a general nature and is furnished for knowledge and understanding only.