A Letter to the Sibling of a Child with Special Needs
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To the Sibling of a Child with Special Needs
You’re on my heart more than you know. I know sometimes you feel like your sibling gets all the attention and I don’t notice you, but it’s not true. Entire days go by that I ache because I am so tied up in dealing with the newest symptoms, medications, and endless consultations with specialists and therapists that I don’t have time to sit down and talk with you, listen to you, like I really want to.
I see the tears you cry when a new set of symptoms means seeing another specialist, and we don’t know how many times we’ll have to travel to get to an appointment there, how many years we’ll need check-ups with that particular specialty.
I see your frustration and sadness when you witness another meltdown, are told about another surgery, or have to endure your sibling being in the hospital yet again. I see your struggle to help out when you’re asked to in situations where your dad and I aren’t around and other adults ask you to step in when they don’t know what to do.
Just let me say this:
You’re a child.
You’ve had to take on far too many “adult” responsibilities and grow up way too fast already. I’m already wondering if you’ll end up being the one responsible for your sibling after your daddy and I are gone, and how you will handle that. Please enjoy being a child and let me take the burdens I can remove from your shoulders. They’re far too heavy for you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: When something happens and adults turn to you, do immediate damage control and send them to get us. You are not responsible for handling the situation alone.
You are loved more than you can imagine.
I see you, I see your pain, and I see the sacrifices you make every day—to not rock the boat, to not cause us any trouble, and to help in every way possible. I love you for trying to be the “perfect” child and not cause your daddy and me more stress. Please see You’re a child. above and know that we don’t expect perfection. We don’t expect you to be able to avert every meltdown. We love you exactly as you are, mistakes and all.
I love who you’re becoming.
Despite the frustration, anger, sadness, and other negative feelings you experience from time to time, I love who you’re becoming. I see your compassion, kindness, and sensitivity to others’ feelings. You are wise beyond your years. God is going to use the experiences that cause you the most pain now to continue developing character traits in you that will be invaluable to you both now and as an adult.
I love your love for your sibling.
I am always amazed at how you are the first to defend your sibling when someone says something unkind. I love how you play and share life together. Although at times your hurt is deep, your love is deeper, and I am so grateful for that.
I’m sorry.
For all the times you’ve felt neglected, unseen, unloved, or unwanted, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I am making an effort to find ways to spend more alone time with you—both in little moments we can steal at home and in times we can go out together for a soft drink, meal, or to browse our favorite stores. Balancing everything gets difficult in certain seasons, and I am trying to get better at it.
You are amazing.
And don’t you ever forget it.
I’m here for you.
I love you every bit as much as your sibling, and I want you to know that I’m here for you too. We only get one chance at your childhood. Let’s put the mistakes of the past behind us and make the most of every moment!
Love always,
Mom
Reprinted with permission from Jennifer A. Janes ©2005-2016 Jennifer A. Janes All rights reserved. Photos and content may not be reproduced.
Jennifer Janes is a writer and speaker who lives in Arkansas with her husband and two daughters. She writes about faith, family, and parenting and homeschooling a child with special needs at jenniferajanes.com
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Every grandparent and family member should read this letter. Many fail to understand what goes on in a family with a special needs child. It is not business as usual. I pray this article falls into the hands of those who need a wake-up call and they realize and are willing to give their love and support to these parents who so desperately need it. Well said Jennifer. You have touched the hearts of many!
thank you for this! I have a 15 year old daughter and a 7 year old daughter with special needs. This could not have been said ANY better!!!
i found this and instantly was grateful for your words. i am a sister of a special needs sibling. i have always felt lonely and at most felt like an only child and uncared for. most of my childhood i felt as if my nannies were the ones who brought me up, as my brother needed all the attention from my parents. as i didn’t know any-different i though it was normal for a while then suddenly realised it wasn’t and was so ashamed of him; now i am ashamed to say i was ashamed of him even if it was just for a short amount of time, i did love him and still do and always will, he is my brother and i wouldn’t change him for the world. i also wouldn’t know how i could live without him he has made me into who i am today which i know is a better person and i am proud to have him. i am also grateful that a parent realises that sometimes we need to be reminded that we are loved the same too.
Is this magazine in print where you can receive in mail not just on the computer?
Hi Sue: Thank you for asking, we are online interactive magazine only. You can access us anytime, anywhere read or listen to articles on any mobile device. Here is more information about us.https://www.parentingspecialneeds.org/subscribe/
Made me cry. I love children of all shapes, sizes, and abilities, but, I agree that we need to take care of those siblings often have to play the role of an adult and lose their on childhoods. Love them and pray for them. They are special people, no matter what their age.
Lovely words and at 47 now with a brother with pmld and epilepsy who is 45 and we are lucky to still have him. Growing up in the 70s and 80s was not easy and people could be cruel and make really hurtful comments, I felt very alone but had an overwhelming desire to protect my brother which got me into all sorts of bother. Forums like this are invaluable and I wish that it had been around back then as I know it would definitely helped me understand I was not alone. I love my brother with all my heart and we have an unbreakable bond and deep understanding of each other despite the fact he cannot speak or make his feelings known to others and the lessons he has taught me have been the most valuable in my life to date. Cherish every day with your sibling and always remember others are not as lucky as we are to have someone so special in there lives who teach us so much
Beautiful, Thank you for sharing about your brother and reminding us all how lucky we are.