Special Needs Parents: Stop Being so Hard on Yourself

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I learned a great life lesson the other day, and I wanted to pass it along to all of you.
I was watching Oprah (not so uncommon), and she was interviewing Tracy McMillan (American author, television writer, and relationship expert). Oprah asked her, โWhat life lesson took you the longest to learn?โ
Her answer resonated with me, and I think it is something that all of us could benefit from, especially those of us raising children with special needs.
Tracyโs answer to Oprahโs question was: compassion for myself.
She said, โ I used to be very hard on myself because I thought I was supposed to know things before it was even possible to know them.โ
That statement resonated with me. I think, as parents, we believe we are supposed to know things before itโs possible to know them.
There is no definite way to confirm that we know anything at all;
only from our direct experience can we claim any knowledge about the world. ~
I agree with this statement from Farnam Street.com
Our life is continually unfolding, and new things are always happening; this is true for our children as well.
So, how do we learn or show compassion for ourselves?
First, letโs define the word compassion.
Compassion is defined as a mixed passion.
It is then compounded with love and sorrow.
Compassion involves suffering in some way with another; painful sympathy.
So, back to the real questionโฆ how do we learn or show compassion for ourselves?
I think we can start by accepting a new normal for our life.
And, to be OK with writing a new story for our lives.
Let go of the way we might have envisioned our life and our kids in our heads.
Unfortunately, life doesnโt work the way you want it to, and what you envision is not always reality. But, that doesnโt mean life is worthless.
I say, โCreate a new story that will serve you and your children better.โ
Begin by being more compassionate with yourself.
You can start by using these three practices adapted from Allison Abrams, LCSW-R, for ways to cultivate more self-compassion and stop being so hard on yourself.
1: Treat yourself as you would a small child or a good friend.
Would you berate a small child or a friend thatโs hurting or did something wrong? Or would you provide kind words and a hug? Start treating yourself accordingly and be kind to yourself.
2: Practice mindfulness.
When you get distraught and overwhelmed about how much, and how far, you might you have to do, or go, catch yourself when youโre beating yourself up with self-criticism. Saying things like, โIโm a failure,โ and โIโm never going to be able to do this,โ donโt help in this situation.
Stop yourself and change your thoughts. Adopt a new attitude.
I like to use either of these two sayings: The first one is by Joyce Meyerโs that says, โIโm not where I need to be, but thank God Iโm not where I used to be. Iโm OK, and Iโm on my way.
โThe second, and said another way, is also a favorite of mine by Maya Angelou: โDo the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do betterโ.
These quotes help me and also move me into the third practice.
3: Remember that youโre not alone.
You and I are not alone; we are humans. Over seven million other humans are raising a child with special needs and are going through and experiencing this journey.
And, NOT ONE OF US is perfect: โNobodyโs perfect.โ
I like the way psychotherapist and wellness coach, Megan Bruneau, put it: So many of us believe that weโre โbrokenโ or โscrewing up,โ says Bruneau. When, in actuality, โweโre all fumbling our way through this script-less experience together.โ
If and when we recognize our shared humanity, we can begin to feel more connected to others with a sense that weโre all in this together.
Every day we are growing and learning. Itโs about taking little steps, moving forward, and making progress.
Starting today, learn to be kind to yourself and begin practicing compassion for yourself.
When the self-criticism starts in your head, quickly change your โattitude channel.โ
Donโt give upโฆyouโre making progress!
In case no one has told you today,
Youโre doing a Great Job!
Be good to YOU!
Listen to the Conversation
- Being United, Pampering, and Taking Care of Ourselves
- Do you suffer from decision fatigue? Here are ways to combat itโฆ
- The โforgottenโ part of parenting a child with special needs
- Family Chat: S.O.S.: Prioritizing Self-Care
- Have you ever wished for a โBlankinโ BREAK ???
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